My first and last recollection of ever being nervous; albeit a little vague, dates back to almost 18 years. Circa Christmas time and being a little angelic kid, I was roped in to play ‘Joseph’ in the Christmas Play. I remember standing behind the stage with an extreme case of stage fright. The class teacher walked up to me and told me that those in the crowd were also little kids, she told me to focus on them individually and then I would realize that I was better than them. I learned to harness the power associated with looking down upon people to my full advantage.This was the genesis; the metamorphosis into the ultimate narcissist.

The prerogative of being a narcissist is that its comparatively easy to mask ones emotions. Feelings of pain and sorrow can be kept at bay with the ‘Narcissistic block’. I can filter out detrimental emotions by thoughts of grandeur such as buying a new Rolex. By being able to have the upper hand on ones emotions, its comparatively easier to attain success albeit at a cost. But on the rare occasion when the narcissistic block fails you, one is left in limbo for he/she will be in unchartered territory. It actually breaks the person for not only are you not in control of your own situation but also beset with painful emotions.

At present I am passing through a similar stage, I am unable to block the grief, its the first death anniversary of my baby girl, my princess. She was and will forever be more important that everything else in life and hence thoughts of buying a new rolex or other images of grandeur cannot block the pain. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves even in the most diverse of situations, I remember going to hospitals for her regular checkups and I would propose to doctors on behalf of my grans, on one occasion we even had a red rose which she gave to a doctor. She somehow could differentiate between the sound of my jeep amongst a hundred others. She had a very good rapport with my sincere friends who too would pamper her with ice creams and chocolates. She was not my grandmother, she was my little daughter. At any point of the day I could turn to her for a big warm hug and presently thats what I find most wanting. I want to have a little baby girl of my own now, she would be christened Sara, after my princess. She would be daddy’s little girl; I would turn her into my own little Ann Coulter like I turned my pious old grandmother into a mischievous teenybopper. I know you are watching over me from above and I would just like to say that I miss you and still love you from the bottom of my heart. I reckon a temporary hiatus from the blogosphere is in order till I am back to my arrogant best.

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There is immense pressure from my folks side as well as the rest of the family for me to get hitched and settled down. It seems the only cure for my psychopathic vibes is to find a sweet little girl and get married. I am working over 15 hours a day and even when I get home; the phone rings non-stop. I am burned out and to be honest it would be nice to come back home to someone, to have someone who can give me a big warm hug, someone to cuddle up with. I am afraid of commitments and hence desisted on many a occasion but alas the time has finally come. Fidelity and loyalty are of utmost importance to me and I will be on the lookout for these traits in my quest; I concede, work will not keep me going round the clock, companionship is paramount. Thats it, I’ve decided, I am buying a Rottweiler.

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This valentines day was quite memorable. I went on a date with my girl. She is the best girl any guy can have but alas she is also a Scorpio, she is possessive to the core. She won’t let me out of her sight and she gets very jealous of my other social commitments but I don’t mind for without her I won’t be able to live, wont be able to eat; I would wither away in misery. Life would have been more easier had she been more likeable by my family and friends but I can live with the fact that you can’t have your cake and eat it too so I choose to be at her side at the ire of my loved ones. I have managed to live with her shortcomings and shall continue to do so; Everybody calls her a bitch, I call her ‘Work’

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Tired and exhausted. The 15 hour daily work schedule is finally taking a toll on me both mentally and physically… I really don’t think my body can cope with the abuse any more…. all my kindgom for a hug !!

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I am down with a flu, a real bad case of it might I add but I am recuperating quite fast. When my princess was around, the moment I would sneeze she would tell her maids that she too would catch it, and no this was not on account of her low immunity but due to the fact that I would just jump into her bed and snuggle up with her and by the morning she too would have contracted the cold…am missing her a lot now. But I know that even from up above she is watching me and praying for me.

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We are at the fag end of 2004, a day and a half later a new era dawns and as I bid farewell to the current year; my thoughts fall upon the year that was and I look retrospectively viz-a-viz:

• Finances: Its very materialistic of me but whenever I look back retrospectively the first point of analysis is always the finances and it supersedes all other priorities, but then again I want a Bentley, a pure gold Rolex and a yacht. 2004 was very good financially, earned a lot, spend even more especially on investments back home in the form of real estate. I can never be satisfied with monetary gains but suffice to say that 2004 was not a bad deal. In addition to the Admin dept. I am now also heading the Operations dept.
• Emotionally: 2004 proved to be a roller coaster ride for me emotionally. From highs to one of the lowest points in my 26 year history. The passing away of my baby girl; my grandmother was of a magnitude of a total 10.0 on the J-emotional scale. It has had a profound and everlasting impact on my life.
• Spiritually: Well I have come more closer to God and am at ease but I still don’t prefer going to church here in Qatar as the Church here seems to have more politics around it than the parliament. I miss my chapel in college which was calm and serene; which you could walk into any given time and sit in solitude and be one with God.
• Personally: Life hasn’t changed or rather I have not changed much. Still with the “too many women, too little time” attitude. Still too scared of commitments, I cannot commit for fear of falling out of it… but as of late I think I should follow the old adage that says its better to have loved and lost rather than not to have loved at all.. the coming year I intend to change this equation once and for all.

As I go into the new year, I have no regrets and no albatross around my neck. I look forward to the new year and am hoping that it will be a prosperous one.

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As an adolescent I took pains to strengthen my vocabulary, I was hoping it would pay off in the future. So I became a stickler for the proper usage of words, I refused to get of my high horse with respect to the English vocabulary and it did pay off. I became the editor of the school and college magazines. Won numerous toastmasters and elocution contests and masteries over the English language does help in the professional spheres of life too. But since arriving in Qatar my lingo is on a downfall, “you go, he go, everybody go” pretty much sums up my vocabulary now. The main issue here is that English is relegated to fourth place after Arabic, Hindi and Malayalam… and hence the reason for my vocabulary woes…. but I have to acknowledge that its my own wrong doing. Rather than going with the flow, I should once again strengthen my vocabulary and be a stickler for the proper usage of words even though it might result in my linguistic isolation.

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24th October, 2004 and the love of my love, my grandmother, my princess bids adieu to me and leaves for her heavenly abode. My life will never be the same again. She was more dear to me than everything and everyone else; she had been invalid for the last few months and in a way I am glad that she didn’t have to suffer much. She went away peacefully. Everyone is surprised that I, who would fly down to see her at her slightest cough didn’t turn up for the funeral. The reason being that she had confided in me a long long time ago that when the inevitable happened, she didn’t want to be kept, she wanted it to be over as early as possible; it would have taken me around 2 days to reach there and hence I told pops to go ahead with the needful immediately. I was always with her when she was alive, always at her side when she needed me, took care of her, bugged her, hugged her and she was happy when she was amongst us and hence I pacify myself.

It will not be the same without her around, she was always a calming influence on me, its an end of an epoch. She was my portal to my childhood. At heart all I am is just a little kid who likes nothing more than a big warm hug&; and I could always count on her for one… without her I guess my extended childhood also come to an end… for the last few days on and off I’ve been sobbing around the house…my office staff will bear the brunt of my misfortune and may God save them from me.

I have no idea how I’m going to enter my house in India, forget the house, even the drive up to the yard from the gates will be heart breaking. If I was late, she would hear the gates being opened and wait near the balcony in the front yard to see me drive up. I had this habit of giving her a peck on the forehead the moment I entered the house; its going to be a very difficult proposition for me to go back to that house again. But even death will not part us, I know that my baby girl is with me in spirits and am sure that she is watching me from above making sure that I ate and slept on time as she always used to do.

Revelation 14:13
Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them.

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